Once I saw the sky filled with falling stars
Bumped my head in the dark and it left a scar
Held on too tight before I let it go
Then forgave myself for what I didn’t know
“Before and After”
Carrie Newcomer, Recording Artist
One of the most painful places we can inhabit in our own hearts is self-criticism and shame. We may blame ourselves for choices that we made in different times and places and berate ourselves for not knowing better. If we had been wiser, if we had been more authentic, more in touch with ourselves, more informed, more prescient, we would have made other choices. If we had known the future, we would have changed the past.
For those of us who struggle with that unforgiving inner voice, we are looking at yesterday’s decisions with today’s eyes. We are saying “If I knew then what I know now.” But we didn’t know. We didn’t have the luxury of a retrospective informed by living the consequences of our earlier choices. We were who we were then, not who we are now.
The other day, I was sitting in that space of unforgiveness with myself over a particular set of life choices. It’s a dark and scary place – a cavernous precipice that is totally devoid of any self-compassion. A place that fears imperfection and hides from its own humanity. As I sat in that internal struggle, I realized something that felt very profound to me.
You Are Not a Snapshot
When self-compassion eludes us, we tend to paint our life story with a wide-sweeping and monochromatic brush. We judge ourselves by the tabloid-esque headlines of our lives instead of taking a holistic accounting of our choices.
My marriage failed….
My career never took off….
I don’t have anything to show for my life….
My kid/s aren’t…..[fill in the blank]
My body is or isn’t.…[external description]
I don’t measure up because I am ….
I don’t measure up because I’m not….
I’m not worthy because I don’t have….
I’m not worthy because I have….
The unforgiving and shaming mind judges life from a singular image taken at one moment, from one vantage point and one camera angle. But the image lacks depth and dimension and disregards background.
And it occurred to me at that moment, in a very visceral way, that we are not this singular snapshot. We are not the big splashy tabloid headlines and the fake news the shaming mind tells us, namely that we are unworthy for being human and struggling. If you look at the real film – the raw footage – you will see all the macro and micro decisions you made.
Included in those decisions were all the times you took the high road. All the times you tried your best and gave it your all. All the times you fell short of your own expectations but brushed yourself off and tried again. All the times when you were hurt and gave someone another chance. All the times you forgave or gave the benefit of the doubt. All the times you worked harder to make it all work.
All the little personal victories of strength, resilience and goodness are just as much a part of the headlines as the shadowy spaces where we were confused, lost or hurting. Those individual victories are precious and account for the growth we do in the face of challenge.
Love and Self-Compassion
As this insight percolated through my soul, I had a flash of deep clarity why it is so unfair to judge someone else for what you see on the surface. To judge based on a headline is to impute a whole life from one snapshot. Without knowing the whole story – the backdrop, the other players, and God’s will – energetically-speaking, negative judgment is like holding someone’s head underwater.
That is why only God Himself can judge. He is the only entity in existence that truly sees the whole picture. He sees our quiet victories, our moments of strength and goodness, our struggles and pain, and our intention and effort. He sees our humanity and He knows the struggle is real. That’s why every baby step we take towards actualizing our potential is so precious.
With this kinder and more nuanced retrospective of life, we lift the dam of shame and self-criticism, freeing the waters of love and self-compassion so they can flow. In this fluid environment, we can mine our past for diamonds of learning that will help us going forward.
Here are a few reflections to guide the learning:
What are your most important values when making decisions? (i.e. peace, integrity, honesty, strength, clarity, confidence, fairness, etc.)
What are a few difficult situations you’ve faced where you responded in a way you were proud of? What about them made you proud?
The following technique is one I often use before going into a potentially triggering situation. I ask myself:
“How do I want to show up in this situation? What does success for me in this circumstance look like?” i.e. staying calm, pausing before responding, staying centered, allowing vulnerability, speaking my truth, listening well, etc.
If you are successful, own it! Then reflect on what helped you show up the way you wanted. If you aren’t successful, consider what got in the way and what you will do next time to engage as your best self.
Know that self-compassion starts with you but radiates outward as peaceful, loving energy. I’m walking alongside you on that journey.
Blessings, Light and Love!
